It's been a long time...And look what's happened to the economy since then

And indeed it has been a long time--Jan. 29th 2008, to be exact, was my last post. A lousy start with an inconceivable rise to near veneration, Smalltalk, Satire, and Other Sensible Non-sense has since suffered digital asystole. And for good reason: I've been enduring a pernicious dualistic turbulence of almost Manichean proportion, leaving me anemic of life-substance and vigor. But after a few sessions of crystal orb therapy and some comforting predictions from my tarot card reader, the dark spirits have since conceded defeat like Hillary. So without further ado, lets get back to the meat...

The latest figures in business and economics all point to a declining American economy: Amid a weakening dollar, unemployment is up, oil is setting seemingly new records weekly, housing prices are slipping, and inflationary pressure is all the buzz at the Federal Reserve. Indeed, nearly every sector in the U. S. economy seems hard-hit from the 1970's-like energy and economic crisis. But even in today's beleaguered economy, there are some bright spots worth mentioning. The energy sector is one obvious bright spot, and for obvious reasons. Health care is also a bright spot as there will always be sick people and people who make stupid decisions (like drinking and boating). Another remarkably bright spot is the railroad industry because it is far cheaper to transport products and materials by rail at current fuel prices than by truck (think bulk). And last, but not least, the porn industry may be prospering from the de facto recession.

But how do I know that the porno industry is actually doing better as result of America's status quo? I don't know for sure, but it seems a likely ramification as a matter of business and economic speculation. Here's why: Employers of most sectors have been slashing jobs due to higher operating costs and lower margins leaving more Americans unemployed. Strapped for cash flow, it may be that more unemployed people are looking for quick cash by having their bald, glistening genitals converted to digital images on the Internet. And really, anyone, even those with the most awkward of preferences, styles and ideas could find work in this industry so as long as it is legal. Surely the compensation of a porno "actor" is decent enough (though at the cost of your soul), particularly for women and gay men, otherwise most people would not do it.

Furthermore, the operating costs of a ready-to-roll internet porn studio are not affected to the degree as oil-dependent industries such as trucking, agriculture, or airlines. This is particularly true if the studio owns all its equipment already.

On the consumer side, more and more people are sitting at home either unemployed or finding it too expensive to go out and date or shop. So, instead of working, going to the movies or buying new stuff, more people will now sit at home bored. Mix boredom and broadband and a good percentage of the time porn ends up in a computer's cache (or even favorites): just check the browsing history of your friends' computers when you visit their homes to see how "bored" they have been.

With likely more and more people buying and viewing "Saving Ryan's Privates", "Forrest Hump", "BlackCock Down" and "Schindler's Fist", and an endless list of fluffers and actresses ready for work to be casted on the Internet, the porn sector should be rallying on the LAPX (Los Angeles Porn Exchange). Just as porn made a big impression during the mid 1970's economic downturn, so it seems it will again this time around. Whether or not the iconic porn moustaches will return is yet to be seen.

What would you be thinking?

You are an aggressive tier-climbing employee at a prestigious architectural firm in Chicago. Your boss's boss, who happens to be Senior Vice President, has challenged you to a game of chess. Confident of your superior intellect and analytical skills (which won you the state chess championships in college) you pretentiously agree. Furthermore, he states, "If you win, I will promote you to executive officer of the engineering department"--a huge increase in both salary and power. "But if I win", he continues in a lustful, sultry tone, "I get to pack you full of salami and you still get the promotion." Upon hearing this, you are immediately taken aback, for 1) this is a clear violation of policy, 2) you had not realized he was gay, and 3) you're not gay (at least not yet). With such parameters you are now unsure of a challenge that involves so much risk.

But you have never been beat at chess, and after recollecting yourself, you agree nonetheless. There's so much to gain from such an easy win. He then breaks out the finely crafted chessboard and the game begins. You remain calm as you start, for nervousness is a great demise to winning. Pawns are exchanged in your favor and even a rook. Indeed a smile rests on your face.

Thirty minutes into the game, however, you find yourself in the unfortunate position of being in check, and, as it would be your luck, any move you make seems to yeild your king in checkmate. Suddenly the tables have turned and the chess pieces are beginning to look like hideous sex toys.


It is now up to my readers to fill in the thought bubble: What would you be thinking?

The Alchemist (and How Chemisty Wins)

For more than 2000 years, alchemists widely practiced their science whereby it was believed, among other things (like men could become tranny women), that base metals such as lead could be transmuted into gold. Lead (atomic number 82) was of particular interest because of its similar properties to gold (atomic number 79), and hence it was thought that of all the metals, Pb would be the easiest metal to turn into Au. After all if one could remove a mere 3 of lead's 82 protons the result would be gold, theoretically enabling horny alchemists to "lay the gold pipe" in unshaven, though hot for the era, female sorcerers. But in the 1800's the science of alchemy's transmutation of metals became more of a philosophy--indeed wishful thinking--as modern chemistry replaced the former.

Then, in 1987, as America had been battling with a changing infrastructure and an unstable economy, an alchemist appeared back on the scene. His name was Alan Greenspan (not Goldmember as some have suggested). Mr Greenspan saw that already high and rising interest rates were weighing the economy down like a lead weight--as if the entire country had blue balls. And like any alchemist, Mr Greenspan wanted to turn that lead into gold, but unlike any other alchemist, he was successful, if only metaphorically and if only for a time. Mr Greenspan's reducing of the federal interest rate was likened to reducing the number of lead's protons, as it gave greater buying power to Americans, thus feeding enormous amounts of capital into the economy. It also allowed for cheap credit and the subsequent housing bubble; the economy seemed to have finally transmuted from lead to gold. It was probably during this same time that Goldmember had his unfortunate smelting accident and ended up with his 24-karat schlong.

But in February 2007, the housing bubble burst open and chemistry resurfaced. A once gilded horizon suddenly became grey as plumbum (Latin for lead and hence its symbol Pb), as America's economy began to feel the weight of flimsy credit. Retrospectively, this much is true: If Alan Greenspan was an alchemist, then the American public and corporate investment banks were the chemists, proving again that lead can't be turned into gold*, if, in this case at least, even metaphorically. Chemistry and economics, it seems, have remarkable similarities. Now as we begin this new year, it looks as if all that alchemy play was more like a prolonged period of foreplay with no "happy ending", leaving us where we started: with blue balls and a bunch of lead we were once excited about.


*Lead has in fact been successfully transmuted to gold by way of massive particle accelerators. However, physicists have calculated that the amount of gold created in this fashion is nominal. Furthermore, the process by which this happens is perhaps tens of thousands of times more expensive than the worth of the resulting gold.

A Lousy Start...But Stay Tuned...

The image to your left, Simon, giving a thumbs down, is the brazen image I see when I close my eyes. It comes to me after some sharply punitive--though, lovingly, in a non-gay kind of way--words from my readers regarding the first entry of my new blog, Small talk, Satire and Other Sensible Nonsense. David Baure, hopeful founder of Seattle's Coming Out magazine, says "What's up with that...very half-assed attempt at a blog. I prefer...The Daily Race." Further, Mark E. R., notable historian and author of the intensely controversial The Journey of Lewis and Clark: Two Homos and Their Westward Adventure, says "The blog was too 'blah'... if you want thoughtful responses from your readers, you'll have to write 'edgier' blogs."

Evidently, my ratings as an emerging blogger are poor--so poor, in fact, that perhaps only Mr Bush's ratings as president could out do my poorness as a blogger. It is indeed a terrible thing to make a poor first impression, for bad first impressions portend nominal performance at best. BUT...that's just it--bad starts, they portend, not secure. Albert Einstein failed college algebra; he went on to earn Time Magazine's "Man of the Century" for his many contributions to physics and humanity. Simon Cowell (pictured above) dropped out of high school at the age of 16; he is now one of the most successful entrepreneurs in the entertainment industry. And Peter Parker, as nerdy as he is, still managed to park his peter in Mary Jane's garage (against all odds).

So you see, a bad start doesn't necessarily bury one's ambitions deep within the catacombs of the dejected and unsuccessful. On the contrary, I believe it serves as an impetus for change. What would the world be like today without Mr. Einstein, Mr. Cowell, and Spiderman. Well, as the coming months and years unfold maybe you'll ask yourself just the same: What would the world be like without Small talk, Satire, and Other Sensible Nonsense.

Santa's Come and Santa's Gone and Now the Bill Comes Along

Christmas time was here. HappYness and Cheer. Pass me a beer and one thing becomes clear...It's really expensive to have Santa stop by on Christmas Eve. But a reprieve could be just around the corner: Beginning Christmas 2009, with a Democrat likely in the Oval Office, Uncle Sam may decide to subsidize Santa's visit--along with the sub-prime, negative-amortizing mortgages. Heck, maybe then I can "ask Santa" for that 62 inch widescreen LCD HDTV.